I am not usually an ACLU fan, but I got to say, this flash video is right on.

Go view how we might be ordering pizza one day soon……click here.

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Senator and apparently future president John McCain thinks he can win the war in Iraq by 2013.

You know, I am really trying to not get all political. In fact, I’m trying to focus on some nice humor and photographs. But I have to take this moment to turn to Senator McCain and say….

W T F ?????!

We defeated Hitler in four years. We’ve been in Iraq five. Enough already. Either make it the 51st state and nationalize the oil fields, or let’s get the hell out. Just park a sub off the coast and if the retarded radical Muslims take over, nuke the crap out of the place and go home.

ENOUGH ALREADY!

More and more I think Ron Paul is the only possible candidate I could even lean toward…..assuming I was dumb enough to think any of our votes matter anyway…..

Read this post fast folks. It will vanish soon.

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When I was a kid…..damn, I hate starting stories like that. Means I’m an old fart now. Crap. Oh well, nothing I can do about reality I guess. When I was a kid, you could buy a bicycle air pump that actually pushed air into bike tires easily and almost effortlessly. Yes, this is true! Any old bike pump would easily pump up a bike tire!

These days, there appear to be two types of bike pumps. Those that are such pieces of crap that they only come in the color brown and are so bad even the Chinese peasants working in the sweatshops won’t make them.  Then, there are the expensive well built quality tire pumps, which, if you hired seventeen MIT grads, five verified rocket scientists, Ralph Nader and tossed in one girl scout and her 17,000 boxes of thin mints you might, just might be able to get the freaking &%&(&&%^%$_ thing to work!

I bought the bicycle pump from hell. A Schwinn airdriver 1100. They call it the airdriver, because after you dedicate the better part of an afternoon foolishly attempting to get air into a bike tire, you wave the thing in the air over your head and drive it about three feet into the ground.

You don’t need instructions with this satanic piece of metal, you need a friggin priest!

This thing is designed for any air driving task, from the tires on the Space Shuttle Atlantis to those on Clinton’s ego. From complicated gay French cycles to George Bush’s hollow head. But regular bicycle tires? Ha! Not a chance in the world of figuring that out.

After struggling to put air in my bike’s tires and then losing it and rolling around on the patio and banging into lawn chairs, scaring the cats and punching the barbecue three times, with my head, my wife forced me to come inside and leave the evil stick locked on the patio. I see it now, leaning against the upside down patio table, glaring at me. Snickering. Evil bastard stick from hell!

I turned to my best friend, the internet, to find instructions. There aren’t any. I did find one of those bicycle freak websites where there was a forum, and about 130 posts from other people who couldn’t figure out how the damn Schwinn airdriver 1100 worked. Several of those members are raving Clinton supporters now,

and a dozen or so checked themselves into a rehab clinic. There are 12 step airdriver 1100 support groups.

The last time I joined a 12 step group it was for anger management. I flunked when after a long complicated discussion with the instructor he tried to toss a chair at me and ran full speed into a vending machine. I never did get a certificate of completion.

So, while the Schwinn airdriver 1100 is chuckling at me from the patio, what it doesn’t know is that my wife goes to work early tomorrow. It’s her early shift day, 7 AM. I’ll be here. Alone. With the airdriver 1100. And my 9mm. Or, maybe my knife. No, wait, the solid steel hammer, or maybe the electric drill! Ohhhhh….I can’t wait for dawn………..

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A few stories today seem somehow connected.

Here is a story about people in India pissed because some in America are blaming the food crisis on them, because they are becoming more prosperous, and thus consuming more food. Their reply? Americans are fat! Go on a friggin diet already! You know, I don’t recall seeing any fat slob Indians. I’m thinking real hard now, but can’t remember ever seeing someone from India even being modestly overweight.

Maybe that is why our Federal Government, always concerned about us, has come up with a new fitness test for adults. That story is here. The President’s Council on Physical Fitness and Sports is scheduled to announce this new test today. It includes walking to the kitchen and back to the couch, refrigerator door opening and closing, and television remote channel changing.

Here is a related story about a girl scout in Detroit who sold 17,323 boxes of girl scout cookies, which appears to be the most cookies anyone has sold ever. I’m not entirely sure, but I don’t think she sold many to India.

Which brings to my mind an issue that has bothered me for years. Girl Scouts sell cookies. They are all over the place during the season, like a combination of Jehovah Witness/Amway salespeople on crack. But what about the Boy Scouts? How come they don’t sell anything in front of the supermarkets and malls? I mean, sure, no self respecting boy scout would want to sell cookies! I understand that. But hey, they could have giant barbeques outside stores and sell slabs of beef, steak and burgers! Why should the girl scouts get all the attention?

Today was the day I was going to go for an early morning bike ride. Guess what. Didn’t make it. Instead, I sat on my fat ass surfing the internet and typing this blog. I think those folks in India might just have a point…..

Peace out people.

And go on a diet already!

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Go read Bill’s wonderfully well written post about his ladder. Really. It is a very good read.

Peace out.

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